Bad Habits
by Inexorable
Summary: We have all always wondered why Kumo joined the Count in the first place. I always figured the reason included being dead drunk. [Chapter 4: In which it's finally over.]
1. Signing Papers

AN: Well, I HAD to do it someday…

Disclaimer: If I did own, this probably would have been the REAL reason why Kumo joined the Death Lords. :P

* * *

**Bad Habits**

_Beer before liquor…_

Sometimes, Oscar found that his blank metal mask was really quite useful. Yes, sometimes it got in his way with breathing, or seeing things, and was the cause of his agitation, but right now, it proved pretty damn useful.

The amount of alcohol the swordsman reeked of was intoxicating and potentially dangerous to anyone who even stood next to him. The mask was, at least, able to stave off most of the alcoholic aura.

Oscar found himself vaguely wondering just how the petite-looking swordsman was speaking in coherent sentences (for the most part) and standing up straight. Scratch that, he was wondering how the swordsman was even alive! The amount of alcohol he had digested _must_ have been lethal to any _normal _humans…

"There's no fine print in this document, is there?" the white-clad swordsman asked suspiciously, narrowing his eyes at the general direction of the strange, flexible…thing that had appeared before him.

"Of course not." Oscar replied once he turned the other's head five inches to the right so he would actually be _looking_ at his target. "We're just…err…conducting a survey to see…err…what people's handwriting looks like!"

"Oh." The swordsman nodded. "Right, of course. Where do I sign again?"

"Right here." Oscar pointed at the little tiny dotted line at the bottom of the page, after all the teeny-tiny fine print.

The swordsman nodded again and signed his name with great flourish.

Oscar looked down and saw the swordsman's name neatly signed on the paper, declaring that he was SHIROI KUMO.

"Welcome to Gaudium, Lord Kumo…" Oscar bowed and with a flash, teleported them back to the castle, cackling on the way.

Kumo looked mildly bewildered, but as he was dead drunk, he didn't really notice his surroundings much, and immediately passed out on a bed that was conveniently there.

"Oh well…" Oscar shrugged. It saved him from asking which bedroom Kumo wanted, in any case.

As he walked off to tell the Count the great news, he vaguely wondered if lying to someone when he was drunk was a sin. Then, he promptly decided that he didn't really care and went on with his day.

* * *

When Kumo woke up, his first thought was, "_Oh God, how much did I drink last night?"_

His second thought, not five seconds later, was, "_Where the hell am I?"_

AND THEN he caught sight a blue…thing with big red eyes and a pointy head. And promptly screamed bloody murder.

And that's how Kumo's first morning in Gaudium went.

* * *

AN: XP I like writing sillies…Don't worry, there's more to come. I think I'm really, really cruel to our poor Kumo-chan. XD 


	2. The First Day

AN: )

Disclaimer: If I owned, I would be rich.

**Bad Habits**

_...makes you sicker._

* * *

Short Recap:

-Oscar is a conniving bastard

-Kumo signs a paper when he's drunk

-Pist is really ugly

Kumo stalked around the dark halls of…where ever the hell he managed to get to when he was dead drunk. His only memory of last night was this strange, clown-like creature…

…that was hanging upside down from a ceiling right in front of him at this very moment.

"You!" Kumo lunged forward and grabbed Oscar by his shirt…dress…thing.

"Why good morning, Lord Kumo…" Oscar simpered, bowing down in front of the pissed swordsman, his head touching the ground. "Did you have a good night's rest?"

"Where am I and why the hell am I here?" Kumo demanded, by-passing all pleasantries, his left eye twitching sporadically.

"Why, you're in Gaudium, Lord Kumo!" Oscar replied. "You are here because you signed a soul-sealing contract to forever be the servant of the Count!"

"I did?" Kumo asked looking dazed. "When? Yesterday night, when I was dead drunk?"

"But of course, Lord Kumo!" Oscar said in a far too cheerful tone of voice.

"…Where is this Count guy?"

Oscar pointed with one of his strange, flexible appendages that regularly got stuck to his body at a door that lay just a few feet ahead.

"In that room!" Oscar squealed, sounding very much like a fangirl.

Kumo pushed Oscar off to the side ("How rude!") and went through the grand double doors and…promptly stopped in utter shock.

"YOU'RE THE GUY I HAVE TO SERVE?"

Said person was a tiny little…brat, sitting on a cushioned seat with a strange green-skinned lady cooing over him.

"You will address me as Master, got it!" the brat screeched quite annoyingly.

"Master?" Kumo looked down-right disgusted. "Is this some weird sex fetish of yours?"

"Aaargh! How dare you accuse me of being a pervert? OUT! OUT!" the brat raged.

"Now, now, Kumo-chan!" the strange lady cackled, making her way to the surprised swordsman. "Play nice, now!"

She draped her body over Kumo's and began nuzzling him in a disgustingly affectionate way. Kumo's body reacted in no time, pushing the green girl's body off of him.

"Stop touching me, you molesting freak!" Kumo wailed hysterically.

He took one last look at the room, and ran out with a wild look in his eyes, almost bowling over Oscar in the process.

"…You think he doesn't like us?"

* * *

Fungus was casually walking down the magnificent halls of Gaudium, puffing on his whistle. He had a perfect day so far, with no encounters with Herba, Pist, or Oscar. Which made him a very happy…uh…Death Lord.

And then, suddenly, as he was turning at a corner, a white thing crashed into him, causing them both to tumble to the ground.

"Who are you?" Fungus demanded, trying to look important and failing miserably.

Kumo, on the other hand, took one look at the person he was half-sprawled on, screamed loudly, and took off again.

"I see you've met our new recruit."

An over-powering stench of salt water and rotting fish overcame Fungus and he resisted the urge to waft the smell away. Instead, he turned around and regarded the other Death Lord standing cockily before him.

"He seems kinda girly to me."

Pist nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, he screamed at the sight of my face this morning."

"Well, anyone would scream at the sight of your face."

"…Oh do shut up."

* * *

It was late at night and Kumo had finally managed to escape the mad-house that was known as Gaudium AND his new home. He had, predictably, made his way to a bar, and now was drinking his sorrows away, complaining to the bartender.

"You know what sucks?" Kumo asked after his third drink.

"What?" the bartender asked patiently.

"The fact that I signed my soul over to a little whiny brat when I was dead drunk last night." Kumo sighed.

"Well, it can't get much worse than that, right?" the bartender tried to console.

"Can't get worse?" Kumo's furious eyes focused onto the bartender who let out a 'meep' and hid behind his counter. Kumo stood up and began waving his arms around dramatically. "One of my coworkers is a fish! That talks! And has a mouth at the back of his head! Another one has no bones and looks like a clown! Another one had _green_ skin and tried to molest me! And another one is made out of metal!" he yelled angrily. "AND, my so-called BOSS is a whiny, bratty kid who has a master/slave fetish! And if this is only the beginning, then yes, my life CAN GET MUCH WORSE!"

The bartender looked at Kumo with something vaguely like sympathy.

"Dude, your life sucks."

* * *

AN:P What do you guys think? Am I being too mean to Kumo? Or shall I be crueler?  



	3. A Companion

AN: Yes, yes, sorry for the late chapter. Will you ever find it in your heart to forgive me?

**Bad Habits**

_But liquor before beer…_

_

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_

Recap  
-Helba is a molester  
-Fungus/Pist have a semi-normal conversation  
-Kumo gets drunk (surprise, surprise)

Kumo had a fairly uneventful morning. He woke up with a mild hangover, indicating that he didn't drink _too _much last night (though he took care not to as he didn't want to be signing any OTHER soul-sealing contracts). The blue fish-guy (whom he later found out was named Pist) was in his room again (the damned pervert), but this time he handled the situation _much_ better than the last time. He just threw heavy things that cluttered his room at the general direction of Pist's head until he left the room.

After opting to skip breakfast (instead of eating the disgusting green crap they called food and possibly getting food poisoning), he headed to the spikes of Gaudium to enjoy the peacefulness so he could ponder about his dilemma (or rather, stand up and exclaim into the wind, "I'M FLYYYYING!")

But eventually, Kumo had to return inside unless he wanted to be turned into an icicle—which he doesn't—and returned to his room. Or rather, he _would've_ returned to his room if that ugly, disgusting, weird fish thingy wasn't standing in front of the door.

"There you are!" Pist cackled in his nasally and strange voice that came out of the back of his head. "I knew you couldn't hide for long!"

Pist cackled a little longer, savoring in the utter delight of finding Kumo. The weirdo.

Apparently, Kumo thought his coworker to be quite on the strange side as well, as he had a 'you-are-the-most-idiotic-thing-I-have-ever-seen-get-away-from-me-now' look on his face.

Pist being Pist, of course, didn't notice.

"In any case, the Count wants to see you." Pist said in a very important voice. "We are having our daily WADLOET meeting. The Count would very much like it if you would join us." Pist paused slightly in his dumb…I mean, important announcement. "That means come or die."

"Right…" Kumo sighed, looking at the fish with utter distaste. "Say…what does WADLOET stand for, anyway?"

"We Are Death Lords and Other Evil Things." Pist promptly responded.

"…Can I call you TBGOI, short for The Biggest Group of Idiots, instead?"

And while Pist was spluttering indignantly ("Idiot? Who's the idiot!), Kumo made his grand escape. By going outside. And freezing again. Yeah.

But, alas, he grew tired of sitting at the edge of a spiky castle that rather hurt your bum after awhile and jumped down, neatly landing on the earth with the ease of an acrobat. Or someone that just wasn't human. Your pick.

Anyway, Kumo learned the valuable, valuable lesson of not drinking, for getting drunk can get you into terrible, terrible things.

So instead of heading straight to the bar, he head straight for the casino.

What horrors awaited our poor, young hero (?) there?

* * *

"Evil?"

"Yup." Kumo nodded sagely. "Drinking is an evil that gets you into trouble."

His new companion, an older man with long reddish-brown hair carelessly tied in a ponytail and sharp, blue eyes, looked at Kumo with interest. "Sounds like you have experience in this area."

"I do…" Kumo said with a long-suffering sigh. "You see, while I was drunk I signed a contract with some scary, necromancer-ish person and now I have to serve this dumb little kid or else he'll take my soul, or something like that, and everyone that I have to work with is some dumb, idiotic, evil-wannabe freak."

"Wow. That sort of sucks, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, you can say that again."

A pause.

"So…then…I guess that means you're technically a bad guy?"

"Yeah." Kumo squinted at his new companion with some suspicion. "You aren't one of those heroes, are you?"

"Nah." Kumo's companion shook his head, causing his hair to whip back and forth. "They booted me out of the hero school, said I was too apathetic or something."

"Ah." Kumo murmured. "So…I never caught your name…"

"Right, it's Kaze."

"Say, Kaze…Do you play poker?"

* * *

AN: And that's a wrap, for this chapter at least. Hopefully, the next chapter will be better than this one (seeing it'll be the last chapter, boo-hoo). Oh, and in response to Feral Phoenix's review ("and I always thought that KIRI was the hard drinker of those two...") I made a little sidefic! So all of you, go and bow down to Feral Phoenix's greatness! XP

* * *

"Niisama, are you sure this is a good idea?" fretful jade eyes looked up at the one person he loved and idolized in his life.

"Of _course_ I'm sure." The other boy said, absently patting his younger brother's head. "When has your Niisama lied to you before?"

"The time where you said that hair ribbons weren't for girls and made me look like a cross-dresser." The younger one promptly replied. "Or the time you said I was dying and made me kiss Ruka-chan. Or--"

"I didn't REALLY think you'd kiss Ruka-chan." The older boy said, overriding his younger brother's voice, and flipped his red mane back, trying to hide his embarrassment. "I was hoping you'd kiss someone else…"

"The point is, you've lied to me _plenty_ of times before." The white-haired boy crossed his arms childishly and pouted. "How do I know you're not lying this time?"

"Trust me, Kumo-chan. There's _nothing_ wrong with my plan."

"Of course not," Kumo said sarcastically. "There's _nothing _wrong with trying to drink a bar dry!"

Kiri sent a wounded look at his brother's way. "You didn't believe me when I said that our family had high alcohol tolerances?" he paused for a moment before letting the bomb drop. "Fine, I guess I'll just have to prove it to you. By us drinking _all_ the bars dry."

"Niisama! Wait!" came the frantic squealing as his brother smirked to himself, striding to their first target…err…bar. "I didn't mean it _that_ way!"

* * *

As to what happened next, you'll just have to use your imagination. But I will tell you this; they did succeed in their original plan…XDD Hope that answered your question, Feral! XP 


	4. Epilogue

AN: The epilogue chapter, at long last! I hope you enjoy! DD

Disclaimer: No, FF:U is not mine. /cry

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**Bad Habits**

…_makes you in the clear._

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_

Recap:  
-Kumo doesn't go to a WADLOET meeting  
-Kumo preaches about the evils of drinking  
-Who knew Kumo was a gambler too?

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Kumo stared. And stared. And stared. And stared some more.

It wasn't that the sudden appearance of a giant _clam_ (out of all things) in the middle of a freaking forest with no salt water ANYWHERE freaked him out. Or the fact that there was a PERSON inside said CLAM.

…Well, actually, yeah, those things kind of freaked him out.

But anyway, while Kumo stared at the clam and the clam-person in open mouthed surprise, only one thought was running through his mind.

_Have I been drinking again?_

Meanwhile, clam-lady was getting a little peeved. Sure, she realized that normal people don't expect a giant clam to appear out of nowhere so she didn't mind them staring. But honestly, this guy had been standing there eight minutes straight, his jaw open, and his eyes wide. If she had been in a better mood, she would've taken a picture for laughs, but after spending many stressful days trying to track this guy down, her patience was shot.

Just as the clam-lady was about to say something, Kumo opened his mouth and quite plainly said, "I'm drunk. And you're a hallucination. So I'll be going now, bye."

Wait a minute…WAIT A MINUTE! There was NO WAY that guy was going to walk off on her after she spent FOUR FREAKING DAYS tracking him down.

"Wait a minute!" she shouted.

Kumo froze. _Oh great, now my hallucinations are talking to me. Is this a sign I'm crazy? I knew I shouldn't have started drinking…_

"I'm not a hallucination." Clam-lady added.

Kumo blinked and stared. _Yes, you are. _

"I have been tracking you down for several days." Clam-lady said.

_Oh great, first I start hallucinating about a giant clam, then my hallucination _talks_ to me, and now apparently she _stalks_ me. My life can't get any worse than this. _

"I have come to tell you your fate." Clam-lady continued.

"My…fate…?" Kumo asked, curious despite still thinking this was an alcohol-induced hallucination.

"Yes, your fate." She replied solemnly. "The fate…of an Unlimited."

A sudden chill made its way down Kumo's spine. _Somehow, I have a really bad feeling…_

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_

"Wait—WHAT? You mean I've been chosen to destroy Chaos, which happens to be the thing that destroyed my world?"

Clam-lady, also known as Fabula, the Guide, huffed. "That's what I've been saying for the past hour, isn't it?"

Kumo ignored her and continued his ranting. "And…you're telling me that I have to stay by Chaos's side until I have a chance to destroy him?"

Fabula nodded.

Kumo let out a long sigh and eyed Fabula suspiciously. "And what are _you_ exactly?"

"Well…I'm a guide."

"Does that mean you'll give me helpful advice, such as not to kill myself for getting into this mess?"

Fabula laughed. "Hell no. I watch."

Kumo stared at her in disbelief. "And…?"

Fabula shrugged. "And…I watch you screw up. And I laugh at your mistakes. Continuously."

Kumo stared some more. "There _has _to be something else you're good for."

"Not really."

"I hate you."

"Do you have any more questions or can I go and begin laughing at your misfortunes?"

Kumo paused. "Didn't you mention that I have a partner for this whole killing Chaos business?"

"Oh, yes…" Fabula laughed evilly. "_Him…_"

Kumo suddenly got a Bad Feeling. "And he is…?" Kumo asked warily.

Fabula laughed again. "Do you remember a few nights ago, when you met a new friend and challenged him to a poker game…Then proceeded to cheat and won all his money in an unfair game?"

"…Crap."

"He vowed to hunt you down and kill you." Fabula added off-handedly.

"…Double crap."

Fabula grinned. "So what are you going to do now?"

Kumo sighed, looking depressed. "I," he announced "am going to steal all of Pist's money. And then," he continued, "I am going to the nearest bar, and I'm going to get smashed."

Fabula snickered.

**Owari**

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**

AN: So, yes, this is the end. I have a few ideas for a sequel, but for now, nothing is certain. Thanks for reading this little fic and I hope to see you around! ;D

_**The little ditty that inspired this fic…**  
Beer before liquor  
Makes you sicker  
But liquor before beer  
Then you're in the clear_


End file.
